Grief Demands a Witness
Sylvia Ruiz, LPC- Associate
Today we will lay to rest a truly special human. Everyone who encountered Sylvia, felt her genuine warm nature. She was kind, compassionate, she loved big, she was authentic. She gave of her whole heart to everyone who knew her.
Grief is such a hard concept. Like what does it mean, how does it work, can I check off some boxes and work my way through it quickly?
A definition from Wikipedia has it defined as- Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.
What does it mean to grieve? It is the process of emotional and life adjustment you go through after a loss.
You have probably heard about the various stages of grief. There are 5 stages that describe the emotions people experience after a loss.
Denial- A defense mechanism that can help people cope with shock. People may feel numb or try to continue as if nothing has happened.
Anger- A natural response that can be directed at oneself, family, doctors, God, or even the deceased.
Bargaining- People may try to negotiate or make compromises, such as making deals with themselves or a god to bring back the deceased.
Depression- A feeling of sadness and hopelessness that can be intense and painful, but usually becomes less strong over time.
Acceptance- People may accept that the person has died and that their life will continue without them.
These 5 stages are not a linear process. They are not a list you can check off, like “Oh, I’ve done denial, I can move on to anger now.” Its more like you might experience denial at 8 am, and then at 10 am, bargaining, and then at 12, depression, and then again at 1, denial again.
No, everyone’s process looks a bit different.
Grief is going to come in waves and moments that are least expected. And there are going to be some complicated thoughts and emotions attached to it.
Like, my friend died, and all I can think about his how their death affects me. Why am I so selfish.
Or, my coworker died, and I am sad and I miss them, but I can’t stop thinking about how I have more work because they are gone. I don't want to think that, I just want to be sad they are gone.
Or, my parent died, and I feel like I can’t even be sad because we had a shitty relationship and I shouldn’t be sad now because we fought all the time. But I am, and I have so much regret.
Or, my parent died, and they were abusive my whole childhood, I am almost happy they died. But I can’t stop crying. This doesn’t make sense.
Grief doesn’t make sense. It’s a process of emotions, that you have to feel. You have to allow yourself to feel them, without judgment and without criticism. Cry when you need to. Take breaks when you need to. Sleep when you need to. Take walks when you need to. Sit and stare into space when you need to. Laugh when you need to. Be angry when you need to. Just feel.
Grief Demands a Witness.
This is a phrase that expresses the idea that people need someone to be present and understand the magnitude of their loss without trying to fix or rephrase it.
Brene Brown says- “People need someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”
David Kessler says- “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lesson it or reframe it for them.”
When you are experiencing grief, you need someone to just hold space, and listen. The listener can simply say, “Tell me about your anger/depression/sadness” giving the person space to share what they felt, how they are affected, and anything else that comes up without judgment.
As I sit here writing this, I personally am struggling with this grief. I not only lost an amazing therapist on my staff, I lost a friend. Sylvia was always encouraging and supportive. I knew if I went to her with an idea, or something I want to do at Restoring Hope she would be all for it. Her first response was always, how can I help? What do you need? She was always quick with an encouraging word for her coworkers. She always had a kind word, or idea to help a coworker out with their clients. Sylvia truly had a servants heart, a heart for people.
Sylvia will truly be missed.
Grief will touch everyone at some point. It is not just the loss of a person, it can often be the loss of a job, a relationship, or a dream. Grief is something that takes time and space. Allow yourself to feel, to process through your emotions.
Whether you are grieving your friend, coworker, parent, sibling, partner, child, job, relationship, or a dream. Grief is not a linear process, and grief demands a witness.
If you need someone to be that witness for you. Call Restoring Hope Counseling today. We have staff who would love to sit with you, hold space for you and walk with you through your grief.
